DTEB, “Accepting Unacceptable People and Behavior”
I like to think of myself as an accepting, non-judgmental person. But the truth is that I am very non-accepting and judgmental. Here is my report to my twelve-step sponsors this morning, concerning my recovery efforts and results from yesterday:
“Dear ______ and ________,
No violations. No secrets.
Today, by God’s grace, I refuse to keep score on myself or on anyone else.
I did not do well on this one, but I did learn something: I do keep score on myself and everyone else.”
I tried to counter my report concerning yesterday with today’s affirmation:
“Today, by the grace of God and with God’s continual help, I am accepting myself as I am at any moment. I am also accepting, moment by moment, the fact that I can do the next right thing in the moment.”
Being judged is a profoundly uncomfortable business. Judging isn’t easy either, but it’s more fun.
Accepting is not easy either, is it? And accepting is never fun.
The Apostle Paul wrote to two of his churches about this very matter of accepting one another, rather than judging one another. This is quite ironic, because many people think that Paul himself was very judgmental. Perhaps he was, in some ways. But he seems generally to have been deeply skeptical of a non-accepting, judgmental attitude.
“As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions.” (Romans 14:1, English Standard Version)
Paul says something similar to the church at Corinth.
“This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. 2 Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful. 3 But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God.” (1 Corinthians 4:1-5, English Standard Version)
Apparently, Paul (like Jesus) had a simple piece of advice for believers concerning judging: Don’t! Paul didn’t even judge himself! Apparently, the Corinthian Christians had a bad case of comparisonitis. They compared their leaders to each other and decided which ones they really liked. They compared themselves to one another. And what is comparison, other than judging whether others or you yourself measure up to some standard, real or imagined, realistic or idealistic?
Perhaps there is a better word than “accepting” for how we should relate to ourselves and one another. Perhaps “welcome” would be a better one. The Greek word προσλαμβάνεσθε can indeed mean “to welcome.”
A friend of mine gave me a wonderful devotional book, God’s Promises Every Day, by Jack Countryman. My wife read the following devotion for today, May 14, 2021. It speaks to the very character trait with which I am struggling.
“Anyone can claim the love of God. Anyone can have sins forgiven and shortcomings forgotten.” And the brief meditation ends with the following prayer: “Lord, You offer Your salvation to anyone who comes to You. Help me to be as accepting and loving as You.”
“Cherishing and Cherished”
“Cherish is the word that I use to describe
All the feelings that I have . . .” (“Cherish” The musical group, The Association)
“God knows how many hairs you have on your head.” (Jesus of Nazareth)
“I cherish my wife, but I don’t know how many hairs she has on her head.” (Me)
I let my wife talk me out of getting a bunch of strawberry plants. I am so glad that she succeeded! I would have gotten twenty-five (or even fifty), which would not have been good. I’m seventy years old, have bone spurs and various other problems. I have no business acting like I am fifteen years old. I bought 1,000 strawberry plants the year I turned fifteen or sixteen. It was for a Future Farmers of America crop project. Seventy is a long way from fifteen.
So, I bought ten plugs with three strawberry plants in each plug. Much smarter! They are everbearing, and already have some berries ripening.
I went out yesterday to see how they were doing. I asked them, and they said, “Oh, we’re just fine! Thank you for giving us a home.”
However, I knew that the rains were coming, so I gave the plants some TLC by placing grass clippings around the plants and especially under the berries. This will (hopefully) keep the berries from getting too muddy. When they get muddy, they tend to rot before they ripen.
As I was carefully lifting the berries and gently placing the clippings under them, I was cherishing the plants and the berries. It occurred to me that, if I had a lot of plants, there was no way that I could cherish them and take such good care of them. There is a saying, “Go big, or go home!” That is probably a good saying for many things. Along the same line is the expression “the economy of scale.” However, there is a lot to be said for the economy of small scale as well.
One of the benefits of the economy of small scale is that, when I go small, I can cherish things more. Staying small helps me to cherish small things in a big way. A friend of mine reminded me that doing small things out of the love of God is the best way to live a life that is worth living. Yes!
Only God is big enough to cherish everything that is. I will confine myself to loving those around me. That would include my wife, our little dog, the goldfinches that visit my bird feeders, and my strawberry plants. It also includes you, dear reader. I hope that you not only feel cherished by reading this little meditation. I hope that you also are moved to cherish other things, including your job, your spouse, and your friends just a bit more.
“Trust and Obey—or Rust and Decay”
I like a lot of the new Christian music. However, I also cherish some of the old hymns that I grew up with. I am trying to relearn some of the lyrics to these old hymns, and I am singing them to God during my devotional time in the morning—or any time, for that matter. Here are the lyrics of “Trust and Obey”:
- When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.- Refrain:
Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
- Refrain:
- Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey. - Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey. - But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey. - Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.”
The hymn began with a comment made by someone at a series of meetings led by the famous nineteenth-century evangelist, D. L. Moody. A young man stood up in a testimony meeting and said, “I am not quite sure—but I am going to trust, and I am going to obey.” Later on, a composer named Sammis would expand this thought into one of the most popular hymns of the twentieth century.
The fourth stanza of the hymn is the one that draws me up short. It is also a stanza that often is omitted when a worship leader decides to shorten an old hymn. The specific words that haunt me are about laying everything on the altar.
Trust and obey are put together in this hymn. They should be put together in our lives as well. And yet, I sometimes feel as if there are two different types of churches: those that emphasize faith/trust to the exclusion of obedience, and those that elevate obedience and ignore faith/trust.
Why do we do that, I wonder? I don’t know, but let me suggest why I myself sometimes do that. It is really quite simple: I find both trust and obedience to be exceedingly difficult. If I can spend a lot of time debating which is most important, then maybe I can avoid doing either of them. Sorry to be so frank, but there it is!
Part of my “all” that I need to lay on the altar is my tendency to argue (and blog) about faith and obedience. Instead, I need to trust and obey. My twelve-step sponsor often replies to my daily report to him with the letters JKDTNRT: Just keep doing the next right thing. I would add the word “and”, along with the letters JKTG: Just keep trusting God.
During the American Revolutionary War, our first naval hero, John Paul Jones, was doing battle with a British ship. Jones’ ship was badly damaged, and the British ship invited Jones to surrender. Jones was was reported to have said, “Surrender?! I have not yet begun to fight!”
But my problem is that I am dealing, not with an external enemy, but with my mutinous mind. So, I would suggest a better confession: “I have not yet begun to surrender!” I need to keep surrendering my lackluster trust and my lack of obedience to God if I want to win this battle.
The bottom line is something my favorite professor, Victor P. Hamilton, said during a sermon: “It is either trust and obey, or it is rust and decay.”
Indeed!
“Of Bodily Functions and the Lust to Edit”
Our little dog has her own ideas about the timing for her bodily functions. This morning when I took her out, she did one of them. I brought her back in and took her leash off. Before I could even begin pealing my banana, she was at the kitchen door, letting me know that she wanted to go back out again. Sometimes, she wants to go outside and do her business, and sometimes, she just wants to go outside. I was a little irritated. After all, I needed to write a blog post, study Spanish and head out to softball practice—important stuff! Why couldn’t she get her act together and be more efficient?!
Sometimes, a small crack in the wall lets you know that you have a serious problem with your foundation. God brought to my mind the fact that I spend a lot more time trying to edit reality than I spend living in reality. The truth is, I am a wannabe editor of everything and everyone.
Ouch! Like many of my insights, this one was unwelcome.
What would happen if I were to resign my volunteer position as editor of the universe?
Well, for one thing, I think I would be happier. The job doesn’t pay well, and it costs a lot. Besides, do you have any idea how stressful this volunteer position is? For some reason, reality is a very stubborn thing. It resists my editing continually. I get tired of being an editor. My wife would be happier, too, I think.
And also, my little dog would be a lot happier. Maybe I would be too.
“How to Handle a Disappointment”
I just found out that I am not going to be presenting a paper at a scholarly conference I am attending virtually. I don’t know exactly what went wrong, but it appears as if something did. The study group of which I was part isn’t even on the program.
Hurt? Yes. Angry? Yes, that too. However, I am proud of the way I’m handling this—at least, so far.
First, I am trying to find out where things went wrong. I am sending some frank (but carefully worded) emails.
Second, I am acknowledging my hurt and angry feelings. Nothing good ever comes from denying what I am feeling. Nothing! I’ve tried it a lot of times, and it never works out well.
Third, I am refusing to medicate my hurt with actions or thoughts that would numb them. Unfortunately, with us addicts, that is always a possibility. I’ve already called my sponsor and a couple of twelve-step friends to acknowledge the pain and the temptation to justify unjustifiable approaches to this pain.
Fourth, I am trying hard not to be nasty. One of my favorite mantras these days is “Don’t be a jerk!” I’ve invested more than enough time and energy in being a jerk over the years.
Fifth, I am remembering what I heard from the Apostle Peter and from the Apostle Andy Stanley (independently, I would add!) just this morning. Humility under God and with people is the key to all happy relationships. Peter says that we are to clothe ourselves with humility. Andy says that we should frequently ask the question, “What would a humble person do in this situation?” Then, we are to do it.
Sixth, I am remembering why I do scholarship in the first place. There are actually several reasons.
- I do scholarship to glorify God.
- I do scholarship because it helps me.
- I do scholarship for the benefit of others.
This paper dealt with a particularly violent event—or series of events—in the Old Testament: the coup of Jehu as recorded in 2 Kings 9-10, which is referenced in a few other places. The violence in the Old Testament is something that keeps some people from even reading the Bible, much less believing in it or in God. Even believers are troubled by it. At least, we should be. I certainly am troubled by this violence.
My paper may not ever be presented, but the study and discipline that went into it were not wasted. My study has helped me to come somewhat to terms with the violence in the Bible. More importantly, it has helped me to come to terms with the violence in me.
“Little Secrets?”
I begin with a riddle: What is the difference between a lie and a secret? The answer comes at the end of this post.
A twelve-step friend and I text our reports to one another almost every day. He emphasizes not having any secrets. So, our reports often go something like this: “No violations and no secrets.”
However, the voice-to-text function on my phone is . . . well . . . , I am trying to think of a kind way to say this. It is quirky. For example, today, I dictated, “No violations. No secrets.” However, it translated what I said as “No violations. Little secrets.” I don’t think that I said that, but who knows? Perhaps it was a Freudian slip. Or, perhaps, my second cup of coffee had not yet kicked in.
In any case, this translational problem set me wondering about little secrets. Is there really any such thing as a little secret? And, of course, the little tykes grow up so fast, don’t they?
We say in twelve-step meetings, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” We say it because it is true. We say it to remind ourselves not to have secrets. Or do our secrets have us?
An allied saying is “The first lie we tell is to ourselves.” Perhaps we also keep secrets—at least little ones—from ourselves. Maybe there isn’t a lot of difference between secrets and lies?
Now, not all little secrets are bad or dangerous. Sometimes, we all need to keep secrets in order to surprise someone. And many secrets do not need to be shared with the world. That is especially important to remember in this day, when we can text our friends a picture of us fixing a peanut and butter sandwich while we’re making the sandwich.
However, little secrets (as already noted) grow up fast. And they invite of their cronies into our minds and hearts as well. And no matter how “innocent” our secrets are, their companions often are a pretty unsavory gang.
So, to answer the riddle, here goes:
Q: What is the difference between a lie and a secret?
A: Spelling.
“Who’s on your Kill List?”
Let me begin by setting your mind at ease. No, I am not taking up running a contract killer service in my retirement.
During an accountability check-in this morning, we were talking about how to become better men. One of the guys is highly athletic and very insightful. He said that, no matter what sport he is participating in, he has a kill list—a list of people who are slightly better at some aspect of the sport than he is trying to master. He tries to learn from them and then work harder than they do. Eventually, he becomes better at that aspect of the game than they are. Then he checks them off his kill list.
One of the other guys in the group thought that this approach was a bit too competitive. After all, building character means cooperating with others too. This friend made a good point: Why not ask what is on your kill list, rather than who?
Actually, I think that both of my friends are right. Perhaps the expression “kill list” is a little over-the-top, but then that is my friend’s style. If he weren’t over-the-top, he wouldn’t be J.
The Bible speaks of emulating those who live well. These are by no means the only two passages that speak in this way, but let them help you draw up your own kill list.
“Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.” (Hebrews 13:7, English Standard Version)
“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise,
but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” (Proverbs 13:20, English Standard Version)
Wisdom and faith: those two things seem like a good place to start with your kill list. Anytime you experience some good quality in another person, make it your goal to imitate that person and work even harder than they do.
I am not suggesting a holier-than-thou approach to life, nor was my friend. The truth is that such an approach is mentioned in the Bible, but it is condemned.
“. . . “Keep to yourself,
do not come near me, for I am too holy for you.”
These are a smoke in my nostrils,
a fire that burns all the day.” (Isaiah 65:5, English Standard Version)
In its context, this holier-than-thou attitude is definitely not holy at all. God, through the prophet Isaiah, condemns this way of thinking and speaking. There is a huge difference in imitating good character qualities and cheap imitations of those good character qualities.
So, what or who is on your kill list? And how (and how hard) are you working to become a person of character?
“Good Friday and Refraining from Criticism”
My wife pointed out something tremendously helpful about me the other day: I often criticize her driving. As a result, she doesn’t like to drive when I’m with her.
Ouch!
I didn’t think that I was that critical, but maybe I should just stop after the word “think”. I didn’t think . . . and that is why I was so critical. If I had thought, I would have refrained from criticism.
So, yesterday my 12-step affirmation was “Today by God’s grace, I am choosing to refrain from criticizing anyone, including myself.” You may find it hard to believe, but two wonderful things happened.
First, I actually lived out this affirmation. And that is both wonderful and unusual. My affirmations often tend to be more aspirational than actional. But I acted on this one. Of course, both you and I need to remember the by God’s grace part of the affirmation.
Second, the results were wonderful. I was more focused and happier than I could have ever imagined. I think I’ll refrain from criticizing again today!
One of the basic confessions/affirmations of those of us who aspire to be Christ-followers is this: Jesus died on the cross for our sins and the sins of the whole world. Sins were not merely criticized at the cross. They were decisively dealt with there. My sins, your sins, everybody’s sins.
This same Jesus who died on the cross for the sins of the world said, “Don’t judge lest you be judged.”
What right do I have to judge anyone, in light of the cross? The question answers itself.
Have a Good Friday, dear ones! No criticism today; just gratitude.
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