“On Tending to My Knittin’”
My fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Manley, often exhorted her students to “tend to your knittin’!” I didn’t understand the metaphor, but I knew what she meant. I needed to stop talking to the pretty girl across from me, and concentrate on my writing assignment!
Distraction is at epidemic proportions these days. Much of what I call “work” is actually just scrolling through the internet looking for cute puppy videos or political news. I imagine some of you occasionally struggle with similar distractions.
Proverb 17:24 has an interestingly worded warning for people like me.
“The discerning sets his face toward wisdom,
but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.”
(English Standard Version)
Fools look too far away. I sometimes do precisely that.
But aren’t we supposed to be concerned with what is going on the world? I would answer that with a definite maybe.
Here is the problem, as I see it. I tend to be more interested in knowing what’s going on in the world, than I am in actually doing something to make the world a better place right where I am. This sort of “knowing” doesn’t sound—or feel—like wisdom to me.
Goldingay has a vivid comment about this verse, and about the folly of looking too far into the distance. He says that folly “. . . is promiscuous in its interests (17:24) . . . .” And promiscuity is not a good thing in any area of my life.
“On Not Sleeping Well”
I haven’t been sleeping well of late. I don’t know why. Nothing obvious comes to mind when I look for reasons.
Yes, I know the stats: About one out of three adults in America does not get the rest he/she needs. I am part of a large fellowship of the sleep deprived. For some reason, this does not comfort me. Misery may indeed love company, but company doesn’t make up for the misery.
I am trying to function on five hours of sleep last night. I took the dog out before daylight and got aggravated with her for not getting down to her business as quickly as I thought she should. I apologized to her when we got back to the house, but I don’t like being the way I am when I’m this tired. When I have slept well, I get up full of enthusiasm and gratitude. Today, I am not filled with such positive attitudes. What I am full of is probably not suitable for anyone’s ears right now.
I don’t want my approach to the day or my interactions with others to be held hostage to my sleep patterns. (Or is it “sleep chaos,” rather than “sleep patterns”?)
Perhaps sleep, like happiness and many other things, comes primarily when we don’t think too much about it. Perhaps sleep, like in general, is a gift.
Apparently, sleep issues are ancient. The Bible talks about the problem a lot. For example,
“Psa. 127:1 Unless the LORD builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
2 It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.” (English Standard Version)
The last line, the one about God giving sleep to his beloved, is the reason why I don’t have to work so hard or worry so much. So, I am asking God for rest. Yes, for myself, but also for you. Hopefully, you went to sleep while you were reading this post.
“Getting Over My ‘Sorry, But’”
A friend of mine said that a friend of his said something to him that was very demeaning. He talked to his friend about this the next day. His friend apologized, but then uttered a word that emasculated the apology: the word “but.”
We can apologize, or we can explain. But we can’t do both at the same time about the same issue. We need—I need—to get over our “Sorry, but-ness.”
Another friend of mine said that years ago he had trained himself to simply say that he was sorry, and stop right there. It’s a great practice, but difficult to pull off. I don’t remember, but I suspect that it took him a good while to get good at this practice.
I think that I might be able to learn how to do this, but it might take a lot of biting my tongue until it bleeds. But aside from such a radical approach, there is an even more radical approach. This more radical approach to my sorry but is to think how I feel when someone else “apologizes,” and then launches into a big, “but” that explains away the apology, though not the original offense.
You might accuse me of playing the Golden Rule trump card, and you’d be right. So much of ethics and good relationship skills boils down to treating others as we would like them to treat us. Not as they do treat us, but as we would like them to treat us.
Golden Rule or Sorry But—that seems to be the basic choice. Sorry! I wish it were more complicated, but it isn’t!
“The Fine Art of Timing”
Timing matters. This is true, no matter what the area under discussion. If you’ve ever had a timing belt go bad or break on a car, you know that the car won’t run very well or very long (or sometimes, at all) without a properly adjusted timing belt.
But it isn’t just in the realm of automobiles that this is true. Humor is as much about the timing of a punch line as it is about a funny joke or story. Same with music, cooking, and hitting a softball.
Timing also matters in human interactions.
For example, I am a morning person—a very early morning person. (I am writing this at 3:49 a.m. and have been up for an hour.) My wife, however, is not a morning person. Don’t get me wrong: She likes the morning. She just wishes that it could be a little later in the day.
So usually, I’ve been up for hours when the love of my life gets up. I’m ready to talk about everything in the universe by that time. She wants to ease into her day. She tries to be understanding with her chatty husband, but it ain’t easy.
When we are in close proximity with others, timing is golden. So is silence sometimes.
Perhaps I should memorize and live out a verse from the biblical book of Proverbs:
“Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice,
rising early in the morning,
will be counted as cursing.” (Proverbs 27:14, English Standard Version)
“No Regrets? Not Yet.”
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.” (Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, pages 83-84)
These are wonderful promises. With some of them, I have already begun to experience their reality. Others, I think I can see from a distance.
But not regretting the past or wishing to shut the door on it? No, I do not experience that promise. I wonder why I don’t? And serenity and peace? Sometimes, yes. Often, not.
Perhaps my problem is that I don’t take seriously enough the following sentence: “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.” The antidote to regret is using my past to benefit others.
How do I use my past—particularly those parts of the past that I would love to forget but can’t—to benefit others? One way might be to understand some of my fellow-strugglers’ problems. One of the worst aspects of any struggle is the feeling of aloneness. If I can honestly say to someone who feels isolated and uniquely evil, “No, dear brother/sister, you are not alone,” that may help that person in and of itself. One of the services of all support and recovery groups is the awareness that we are not terminally unique.
There is a saying among us 12-steppers that “when you’re struggling in your own recovery, find someone to help who is worse off than you are.” The word “regret” may come from an Old French word that means “to bewail the dead.” If I’m using my past to help the living, that might help me not to keep on continually bewailing that past.
“My Day is Up to Me”
Sunday, August 30, 2020
I had a good day yesterday. Relatively free of negative, destructive thinking and depression. I got a lot done, both around the house and yard, and in my academic/literary work. There is no reason that today cannot be a good day as well.
Of course, bad things can and do happen, even tragic things. But on most days, my happiness and sense of accomplishment are up to me. What will I do with this day? Will I love my wife and our little dog the very best that I can? Will I work hard and rest easy? Will I exercise my gratitude? Will I exercise my body and mind? Will I love my friends? Will I love my enemies? Will I obey God?
The answers to these vital life-questions cannot be answered by a journal entry or a blog post. They can only be answered by the living I do.
In the Church of England liturgy, which I dearly love, toward the end of most of the morning services that I attended were the words “The night has passed, and the day lies open before us; let us pray with one heart and mind. . . . As we rejoice in the gift of this new day, so may the light of your presence, O God, set our hearts on fire with love for you; now and forever.”
The day lies open before me, before you, before us. Let’s pray and let God set our hearts on fire with love!
“Unwelcome Thoughts: Rent-Free ‘Renters’ or Hostage-Takers?”
I frequently have thoughts that I do not welcome. I’m probably all alone in this.
Yes, you are right. I am being ironic in my statement about being alone in this regard. If you told me that you never had any thoughts that were not entirely welcome—and if I believed you—I would be strongly tempted to worship you. However, I would be more likely to think that you were lying.
We all have thoughts of various kinds. Some are good; some are not. Some of the thoughts that I sometimes struggle with are lustful thoughts, fearful thoughts, resentful thoughts envying thoughts, self-pitying thoughts—the list goes on and on. These may be passing thoughts, and that is usually no big deal. However, when they overstay their welcome, that is a problem. Sometimes, they even take up residence. That is a huge problem.
A friend of mine sometimes says that he doesn’t want to give rent-free space to certain voices and thoughts. Such non-paying “renters” need to hit the road. There is no government-mandated moratorium on such evictions. In fact, my sponsor advised me that I serve an eviction notice to these unwelcome freeloaders. Yes!
Here is the problem: These unwelcome thoughts may come as guests, but before long, they become hostage-takers. They aren’t content to stay in a closet or the guest bedroom. They commandeer the entire house. They commandeer me.
Prayer helps. Sometimes other people can help. But ultimately, I myself have to evict these thoughts. The sooner the better!
Sometimes I say to certain thoughs out loud, “No, my mind is not for rent! Besides, you don’t have a very good credit rating.”
Of course, these non-paying “renters” will come back, whining that “this time it will be different.” But it never is. I need to say what a woman said to Ray Charles in a song a long time ago: “Hit the road Jack, and don’t ya come back no more, no more, no more, no more!”
“When You’re Depressed, Part 2”
I continue to wrestle with depression, but don’t worry: I will not be making this the subject of every blog post. Life is too short for that.
However, I neglected to mention a couple of crucial things that help when I’m depressed: gratitude and my dog.
Gratitude is not being thankful when I feel like it. If it were, how could I be thankful when I’m depressed? Rather, gratitude is thanking other people, God, the universe—even myself—as an act of the will.
I added the words “even myself” to the preceding sentence almost without intending to. I had never thought of the possibility of being thankful to myself.
Huh!
I can make my gratitude list, just as I usually do. Who can stop me? I can will thankfulness and express thankfulness, even when I don’t feel thankful.
Excuse me while I make a list of at least 50 things for which I’m thankful.
. . .
There!
And the other helpful thing isn’t a thing. It’s our little dog. She is eight pounds of love and devotion. Her loving and accepting spirit is a better witness to God’s love and acceptance than most people are.
Laylah loves to come upstairs with me to my work area. Sometimes, she wants to explore. But increasingly, she just comes up with me, curls up in my recliner (which is right next to my desk), and goes to sleep. Apparently, my nearness is enough for her.
Thank you, God, for Laylah!
Hey! I combined both themes for today’s anti-depression assault into one short, grateful sentence. Thank you, self!
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