Posts Tagged: addiction
“Not Every Day is Going to be a Ten”
A friend of mine, who is a fellow-addict, often helps me to write these posts. He does a daily report to me. He had a rough day yesterday, but acknowledged in his report, “Not every day is gonna be a 10.”
This is a hard truth that I have to learn and relearn every day of my life. For example, yesterday I broke the terminal post off a new battery I was trying to install on my riding lawn mower. However, I tried something new: I refused to call myself a lot of unflattering and unrepeatable names. We can’t afford to buy another battery right now, but the old battery will still work (at least for now), if I charge it up before I try to start the mower.
My friend stayed sober and did good, healthy things despite his tough day. He also made a gratitude list. It is a never-ceasing wonder to me how many things there are in the universe for which to give thanks. For example, yesterday there was a mixture of sunshine and rain showers. During one of the little showers, I stood outside and just experienced the rain. I looked at the rain on the leaves of our wisteria, the flowers that my wife loves and knows all the names of, the green grass that needed to be mowed. I felt such joy.
My wife saw one of her little hummingbirds a couple of times today. She planted some basil in flowerpots, and it is thriving. She used to air fryer to dry some basil leaves, and the whole house smelled like basil. Nice!
Not every day is going to be a ten, but if we are alive, we get to experience whatever comes our way. Some of those experiences will be profoundly uncomfortable. Occasionally, those experiences will even be tragic. However, the fact is that we get to experience life makes every day worthwhile, even if is a .002 day.
“Pride, Perfectionism, and Addiction”
I’ve struggled with perfectionism all my life. And I’ve always known that I am far from perfect. So, because of my (perceived) honesty, I’ve always thought that I at least had a shot at the little known (and less esteemed) virtue that goes by the name “humility.”
Of course, thinking that you are perfect is pride. But it struck me this morning—in a blinding flash of the obvious—that even wanting to be perfect is pride. And pride, according to the Bible, is not simply recognizing that we have accomplished something good. Pride is pretending that our good is a whole lot better than it is. As such, pride is evil. So wanting to be perfect is not a workable idea.
Furthermore, at least in my case, want-to-be perfection is one component of my addictive personality. Desiring a perfection that can never be, creates tremendous soul dissonance. I cannot tolerate that for long, so I create an escape hatch for my perfectionism. What would feel good to me? What would kill the pain, or at least deaden it?
Voila! Addiction! An escape from reality that proves to be even worse than the reality itself.
What is the antidote to this unholy trinity of perfectionism, pride, and addiction? Perhaps facing the reality of my never-going-to-be-enough-ness might help. At least, I’m never going to be enough if “enough” means being perfect.
I was listening to Psalm 119 on the You Version app this morning. The psalmist praises God and his Torah for 175 verses. There are words of mourning, too, and words that encourage himself and his hearers to follow God’s instruction.
But then comes the last verse, verse 176:
“I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant,
for I do not forget your commandments.”
(Psalm 119:176 The Holy Bible, English Standard Version, https://accordance.bible/link/read/ESVS#Psa._119:176.)
Sometimes, that is the best I can do. I’ve wandered away. Come and seek me! I haven’t entirely forgotten your commandments.
“Happy Birthday, Spiritual Self!
Thursday, January 24, 2019
“You must be born again.” (Jesus Christ, to Nicodemus, a religious leader who needed to start over)
It was January 24, 1976 when I realized that I was lost. Well, I wasn’t exactly lost. I just didn’t know where I had been, where I was going, or where I was. Other than that, I was in pretty good shape.
I would like to tell you that I cried out to God in my despair. However, the truth is that I only had the emotional energy to whimper. Fortunately our multilingual God understands the language of whimper.
I would also like to tell you that, once I had invited Jesus into my heart and life, my life was never the same. The truth is much messier. The truth is that I have had to come to terms with a terrible addiction since that day. The truth is that I still struggle daily with my runaway mind and heart. The turning point in a war doesn’t mean that there aren’t a lot of battles still to be fought.
Still, these celebratory moments are good. It is good to pause and consider how much love God has lavished upon me in the past forty-two years. It is good to remember that God has never let me down. I have let myself down repeatedly. I have let others down. Yes, I have had to repeatedly started over. There have been times when God seemed conspicuous by his absence.
Yet, while I have at times been a sorry believer, I have never been sorry that I am a believer.
And increasingly, I get it right. I am growing into a better man, the man I always longed to be , and thought I never would be.
So, happy spiritual birthday, self! And now, may you begin again!
By the way, you can also have a spiritual birthday. If you can’t cry out to God, at least whimper.
“A BEAUTIFUL MIND”
I had not seen the movie “A Beautiful Mind” before last night. My twelve-step friends had mentioned it several times, so I finally decided to watch it. I’m going to yell at my friends after the next meeting. I ended up with a terrible sinus headache from crying so much. Thanks a lot, guys!
SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t seen the movie, I’m going to spoil it for you, so stop reading right now!
. . .
Okay, you’ve been warned!
So, the movie is loosely based on a true story about a man, John Nash, who is a brilliant mathematician. He is recruited by the U.S. government to work decoding Russian instructions to sleeper cells in America. The sleeper cells are planning to detonate nuclear devices.
It starts out at Princeton University, but fairly quickly it turns into a spy thriller. You realize that this brilliant mathematician is in way over his head.
But eventually, his wife realizes, and we the viewers realize that he is really in over his head in a very different way: Nash has constructed an alternative reality. He isn’t working for the government. The people he interacts with aren’t real. He is, in fact, schizophrenic.
His imaginary people never entirely disappear, but he learns to ignore them. His wife, against all strict logic, stays with him. Eventually, he becomes a well-beloved professor, and wins the Nobel Prize.
The real story, like all real stories, is much messier than the Hollywood version, but it is a good movie in my opinion. And while I’ve never been diagnosed as schizophrenic, I did identify with Nash. Here’s why.
For years, I have struggled with various addictions. While there are many useful ways to look at addictions, but perhaps they all boil down to a few simple non-realisms: the desire to be in control and the illusion that I was in control, the desire for pleasure without the pain of commitment, and an extremely skewed image of myself, God, and everyone and everything else.
And, of course, I still hear the voices calling to me. The difference is that these days, I ignore the voices. In a sense, we all hear voices. We need to decide which ones we’ll listen to.
“ON BEING ASKED TO TEACH SOME CLASSES AND BEING IN OVER MY HEAD”
Have you ever felt—at the same time—great joy and great fear? If so, you will understand the following e mail that I just sent to my twelve-step sponsor. It consists of a report (“No violations,” in this case) and my affirmation for the day (in bold print).
“Dear Bob,
No violations.
Today, by God’s grace and with God’s help, I am consistency in doing triage and doing what I can do, rather than the perfect stuff that I wish I could do.
The affirmation requires a bit of unpacking, I think.
This past Friday, I got an e mail from the dean at Cincinnati Christian, asking me if I would be interested in teaching some classes. They involved helping students (master level and perhaps also undergrad) to understand a bit about Hebrew and Greek by means of software. Of course, I was tremendously thrilled with this, and said of course.
I met with the dean yesterday, and while I am still thrilled, there are some problems, none of which are unsolvable. However, in the interest of getting current (as well as in the interest of unpacking the affirmation), I will list them. Then, I will solve them as best I can, one at a time.
- The undergrad course begins on August 27 of this year!
- I am using Accordance software applications, rather than BibleWorks. I am fairly used to BibleWorks, but not Accordance. However, I have downloaded Accordance onto my computer already, and am beginning the learn it.
- There is a very rough draft a syllabus, but I’m going have to develop my own in a hurry.
- I have not read the only book that is required for the course.
- I’m scared.
This is the sort of class that I have dreamed about teaching. I can do this, and do it well. However, I need to be consistency—not just consistent, but consistency!
However, consistency is not perfection, and I need to do a good job of triage on what I can do in the length of time I have to do it, with my current understanding of the Bible and technology, and with the students I have.
Perhaps the fifth thing that I listed above is the most important: I’m scared. I plan to let fear drive me in a good direction and at an appropriate pace, but only God is capable of leading me to be a really good instructor. That is because God Himself is the most “teacherly” of teachers.”
(You might also want to read another post I wrote, “DTEB, “IN OVER MY HEAD”. It would appear that I feel overwhelmed quite a bit of the time!)
“Traveler in the Dark”
The following is from Wordsmith.org.
A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
“Writing is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you make the whole trip that way.” -Cory Doctorow, author and journalist (b. 17 Jul 1971).
“Too often, I just want to sit in the car, and pretend I’m going somewhere. You don’t even have to turn on the headlights or start the engine, if you do that!” (DTEB)
I think that what Doctorow’s vivid comment means is that writers don’t see very far ahead. They travel in the dark, the length of their headlights, until they reach their destination.
This is one of my problems as a writer. I want to know how the story ends before I begin. And when I don’t know, I just sit in the car, and make engine noises.
It is not just in writing that I do this. I have a tendency to do it in every area of my life. I nearly let my sweetheart get away without marrying her. Why? I didn’t know how the story would end. (After nearly forty-five years, it hasn’t ended, but I like the way the story is unfolding a lot!) It may be safer to sit in the car and pretend to be going somewhere, but it is lonely. Ultimately, it isn’t much fun, either.
I nearly stayed in a horrible, debilitating addiction. Why? I didn’t know how the story would end. I was afraid to divulge all my secrets, afraid that exposure of these secrets really would be the end of my story. It turned out to be the beginning of a whole new story, which I like so much better than the old one.
I nearly failed to get my Ph.D. Why? I didn’t know how the story would end. I preferred just sitting in the car, pretending that I could have gotten my Ph.D. What a frustratingly wonderful trip I would have missed if I had not decided to turn on the engine and lights, and put the car in gear!
On and on it goes.
We are not all of us writers, but we all are writing our life stories. We do it with our thoughts, our attitudes, our words. Above all, we do with our actions.
We were not made to sit in the car, and say, “Varummm! Varummm!” The darkness is real, and the road is difficult. But we do have headlights.
And, as Dan Fogelberg said in his song “Nexus,”
“Blessed the traveler
Who journeys the length of the light.”
“The Long War”
I met him in a church basement, a few days into my service in The Long War. He was old and grizzled and his face was scarred from many a wound. He was drinking his coffee black, no sugar.
“Come sit down, young soldier,” he growled, somewhere between an invitation and an order.
I sat.
He looked me up and down. We sat in silence. His eyes came to rest on my eyes, looking not so much at, as through. Finally, his voice cut through the silence.
“So, you are new to The Resistance, I see.”
I nodded.
“No scars yet. Don’t worry, son, you’ll have plenty before they dump you in a grave. Likely as not, it’ll be unmarked, and no one will weep.”
He leaned toward me, but his gaze was fixed on my soul still. “Would you like some advice? Who knows? It might keep you out of the grave for a little while.”
I nodded. I was in way over my head, and I knew it. What was I thinking when I decided to rebel? Or was I thinking? But here I was—cold, and lonely, and scared, wondering how long it would be before I was as old and beat up as this warrior.
“I’m only thirty-two,” he said, apparently reading what I had been thinking. What might have passed for a smile faded from his face before it could be positively identified. “Still, I was young not so long ago, like you. And I thought the war would be over by now. I know better now. I know now why they call this “The Long War”.
He sat back, and took a sip of his coffee, and grimaced. “Some fool has let my coffee get cold,” he said. He drank the rest of his coffee in two gulps, and sat the cup down on the table, none too gently.
“And now for the advice,” he said.
“The enemy don’t give a damn about fightin’ fair. The enemy don’t care whether it kills you by night or by day. And the enemy don’t sleep.
“You’ll be alone, and the enemy will stick a knife in your back, or you’ll be with your comrades, and the enemy will pick you out and pick you off.
“Nine times out of ten, you won’t even see the enemy, but rest assured, the enemy is still there.
“You could surrender, you know. You’ll want to do that a thousand times. But remember that the enemy takes no prisoners, except to torture and use for propaganda. And, of course, the enemy will kill you in the end, anyway.
“There will be times when you’ll think it would be best to end it all yourself, choose your own time, your own method. But then you’ll remember that there might be someone who loves you, and that you are part of the Resistance, and you’ll fight on, even when you don’t feel like it, even when you want to die.
“The enemy will turn your family against you, friends will desert you, and you’ll be called a terrorist by people who don’t even want to admit there’s a war. But there’s a war alright. And you’re a soldier now, and you are the battlefield. And remember one thing more.”
Here, he paused to make sure I was with him, and not merely thinking about how to escape this basement, this man, this reality. When he was sure that I was captured, he said,
“And one thing more, you must never forget: You are also the enemy!”
He pushed his chair back from the table to get another cup of coffee.
“And you are also the enemy!”
“Also the enemy!”
“Also the enemy!”
I stumbled out the door to face the darkness, to face the enemy, to face my addiction.
But not alone! Not alone!
“THE EVERY-WHERE-NESS OF GOD”
“No atomic particle is so small that God is not fully present to it, and no galaxy so vast that God does not circumscribe it. No space is without the divine presence. God is in touch with every part of creation. God cannot be excluded from any location or object in creation . . .” (Thomas C. Oden, The Living God, p. 67, italics mine).
All of us addicts know that craving for a fix is not simply a mental or spiritual problem. It is certainly that, but it is more: Addictions enslave us, even at the molecular level. Every cell in our body cries out for the substance or activity to which we are addicted. This is true, no matter what our addiction.
Researchers are beginning to see this more clearly as well. Addicts have always known it—at least, those of us who have experienced some measure of sanity. Until I had acknowledged my addiction and had some success in recovering from it, I had no clue how powerful the addiction was. You only know the power of your enemy when you seek to resist him.
However, an ancient observation about God comforted me and challenged me greatly the other day: God is everywhere at the same time. There is no place, large or small, distant to us or near us, where God is not present all the time.
God is present in every cell that craves something that feels good, but isn’t good. God is just as present in the cells of my body as God is present in the most distant galaxy.
“7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night–
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.
13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous– how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.” (Psalm 139:7-15, New Living Translation. Italics in the quoted verses is my own.)
However, is God’s omnipresence good news or bad news?
That depends on whether God is really good and has our best interest in God’s mind and heart. I believe that goodness is indeed the way God is. However, I freely admit that this is a statement of faith, and that there is plenty of evidence that would suggest that there is either an evil god or no god at all.
I have a friend who is a very fine friend and a very fine artist. He gave me one of his pieces that I like a lot. It is a small block of wood with a canvas stretched out on it. It is entirely black—except for one very tiny point of light. He calls the piece “Hope.”
Frequently, I seem to be able to see only the darkness. Sometimes, I can see the point of light, but it seems way too small to make any difference.
But once in a while, I see more. I see hope. Perhaps the presence of a good God everywhere, even at the cellular level, is a point of light in the darkness, a beacon of hope.
DOWN TO EARTH BELIEVER
- DTEB, “Getting Christ and Ourselves Back in Focus” November 11, 2024“Col. 3:1 ¶ If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Col. 3:2 Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. Col. 3:3 For you have died, and your life is hidden […]
- “Search Me!” October 27, 2024“Psa. 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24, English Standard Version) I am participating in a Bible study, and this is a prayer […]
- “Christian Speech” October 26, 2024“Eph. 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Foulkes, in his excellent commentary on the Book of Ephesians, writes the following, which I quote at some length: “29. Now the […]
- “God is in the Details” October 11, 2024“The devil is in the details.” (A general saying, often quoted by lawyers, reporters, and negotiators.) “God is in the details.” (Me, almost certainly not original.) “Luke 12:7 Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (Jesus) God does not micromanage, but God […]
- “Grandma’s Pump” October 8, 2024When I was a little critter, I would stay at my grandma’s house for a night or two sometimes. I liked this for a lot for many reasons. One thing I liked about staying with her was that Grandma’s house was much more technologically advanced than ours was. For one thing, she had indoor water—sort […]
- “Wearing the #14 Wrong-Side-Out” October 5, 2024Pete Rose, #14, is dead. Many of the old guys with whom I play softball watched him play and appreciated him greatly. I do as well. He was one of the greatest players who ever played the game. Yes, he admitted (eventually) to betting on baseball. But many of us still regard him as one […]
- “Passing Along the Love (and a Link)” October 4, 2024Several years ago, a friend of mine put me onto a daily meditation by Richard Rohr and friends. I don’t read them all the time, but I probably should. They are good! I thought that today’s writing was especially good, and I also figured that this would be a good way to post something. I […]
- “Witnessing Versus Being Witnesses” September 19, 2024“Acts 1:1 In the first book, O Theophilus, I have dealt with all that Jesus began to do and teach, Acts 1:2 until the day when he was taken up, after he had given commands through the Holy Spirit to the apostles whom he had chosen. Acts 1:3 He presented himself alive to them after […]
- “A Bathroom Prayer for Hurting Hands” September 11, 2024A week ago Sunday, my hands were hurting so badly at church that I went to the bathroom to run hot water over my hands. Arthritis perhaps, or carpal tunnel, or general orneriness—I don’t know why my hands hurt, but they do. They have for years. So, while I was running hot water over my […]
- “Waiting and Seeking” September 10, 2024“Lam. 3:19 ¶ Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! Lam. 3:20 My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me. Lam. 3:21 But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Lam. 3:22 ¶ The steadfast love of the LORD […]
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