“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8, English Standard Version)
Unwelcome revelations about myself frequently come knocking on my mind’s door. One arrived yesterday. I realized that I love our little dog more than I used to love my children. I tend to be a very self-critical person. I am used to being that way. But this revelation is very dismal indeed.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There was nothing wrong with my children. And our dog is nothing special—except, of course, to us. No, it isn’t the dog’s fault that I love her more, nor is it my children’s fault. There was something terribly wrong with me. In my younger days, I was simply incapable of loving as I should have loved.
I suppose there were any number of reasons: fear, short-sightedness, the desire for immediate gratification. (By the way, why do they call it “gratification”? It’s not really all that gratifying.) Reasons, yes, perhaps, but no excuses and no justifications.
In fairness to myself and the truth, I did love my children. I loved them as well as I could . . . at the time. However, it was so inadequate.
This is a very non-uplifting post, is it? It is hard to read, isn’t it? It is difficult for me to write. But here, we turn a corner as readers and as writer. And a glorious corner it is!
As I was thinking these dreary thoughts and feeling down about my fathering, I suddenly was struck by the insight that it isn’t the beloved who determines the love of the lover; it is the lover who determines that. And then, my mind turned toward God’s love, and I was flooded with light.
God does not love me because I am lovable. God loves me because God is love. God can and does love me perfectly, not because I am perfect or lovable or perfectly lovable. No! God loves me perfectly because God is The Perfect Lover. It is entirely about God, not at all about me. And because it is all about God and not me, it is also about me.
All my life I have been trying to make myself more lovable. Hasn’t worked. Never will. But that isn’t the issue. What I need to do is to choose to let myself be loved, whether I’m lovable or not.
Then, and only then, there is the difficult and exhilarating work of becoming more loving myself. I am in the process of learning how to love. I would say that I am in about the third grade in this school of love, but I’m making progress. One of my best teachers is my little dog.
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