Posts Tagged: cutting people some slack

“Making Up Generous Stories”

“Now, don’t tell me stories!” That is what my mom used to say to me when I was little. What she meant to say was, don’t lie to me, I think. However, I do tell stories. Hopefully, they are not lies. For example, here is an email exchange between my sponsor and me concerning a scholarly conference that left me off the schedule inadvertently.

I had talked with my twelve-step sponsor about my anger and hurt and disappointment yesterday. Today, he wrote in his email, “I hope there is a satisfactory outcome with your presentation.”

My reply was as follows:

“Dear ­­­­________,

So far, I like what is coming out of me. This is the most important part of the “outcome”. I am owning my feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment, without letting myself become a scholarly jerk.

However, no reply yet from the person who was heading up our study group. I suspect that she dropped the ball, since nobody from the study group is presenting at the conference.

However, in these kinds of situations, I try to remember to make up somewhat plausible stories that help me to be more kind to other people. What if the head of our study group is dead from COVID (or any number of other causes)? What if she just lost a close relative, or had an emotional breakdown? What if she is tremendously busy (like me), and simply took on more than she should have? What if she is like me and has A.D.D.?

Whether or not any of these stories is true, or even close to the truth, they help me to take a more generous approach to conflictual situations when emotions run high. Just as importantly, these stories that I make up keep me from saying and doing things that I might regret.

I don’t take this attitude all the time, but I find it a helpful path when I travel it. And the path is the thing, not the destination.

Daryl”

In my better moments, I actually believe and act on what I just wrote to my sponsor. I have a lot of “better moments” these days. And that beats bitter moments, hands down!

So, as much as I love my mom, I would encourage you to go ahead and tell some stories. They may help you. Also, they may be truer than you think.

“Gentle Reasonableness”

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

(Philippians 4:4–9 The Holy Bible, English Standard Version

https://accordance.bible/link/read/ESVS#Phil._4:4)

I am trying to memorize these verses from Philippians. I am doing so in order to calm my jangling nerves.  I have been told so many times here of late that I am “elderly” and “vulnerable” that I am beginning to feel that I really am those things.  The only thing worse than being called elderly and vulnerable is to feel that it’s true.

I am working these days especially on rejoicing and being reasonable.  “Reasonable” is not always something I’ve been, or even aspired to be.

I figured out that, if I was going to become a more reasonable person, it might be wise to figure out what the word meant.  It is difficult to become something, when you don’t even know what it is you’re trying to become.  I checked out the Greek word for reasonableness in Philippians 4:5 in some commentaries and reference works, and here is what I discovered.

Ralph P. Martin, in the Tyndale Commentary on Philippians has the following helpful observations on Philippians 4:5, and the idea of gentleness, or reasonableness:

“5. The appeal to gentleness, to epieikes (RSV, ‘forbearance’), is defined by the following words to all. This implies that the apostle has the church’s relations with the outside world in mind rather than the Christian fellowship in its mutual relationships. Epieikeia, which is the noun corresponding to the adjective in the text, is an ethical term used again by Paul in 2 Corinthians 10:1. The LXX of Psalm 85 (86):5 uses the adjective to translate ‘ready to forgive’; I. H. Marshall gives a full description of its meaning as ‘fairmindedness, the attitude of a man who is charitable towards men’s faults and merciful in his judgment of their failings because he takes their whole situation into his reckoning’. Perhaps ‘graciousness’ is the best English equivalent; and, in the context here, it is to be the spirit of willingness to yield under trial which will show itself in a refusal to retaliate when attacked. It may have seemed an impossible ideal to the Philippians, but the preceding verse is a reminder that such a quality ‘is the outshining of joy in the Lord’, as Michaelis puts it.

            The call to a gracious disposition made possible by God’s grace is buttressed by a solemn warning of the Lord’s nearness, The Lord is near.” 

Another scholar, Preisker (Theological Dictionary of the Old Testament, volume II, pages 588-590), notes that words built off this root refer to God’s kindness that is shown by God to those who do not deserve it.

It would seem, then, that either the word “gentle” or “reasonable” would be good translations of the Greek word epieikes.  So, what does it mean for me to be reasonable and gentle?  It means being gracious to people that I think are wrong.  It means cutting some slack for people who, like me, are under tremendous stress right now. Perhaps practicing gentle reasonableness might even be important for how we treat ourselves.

Neither Paul nor I are saying that this is easy.  Paul and I are, however, saying this: Gentle reasonableness is something that believers are called to cultivate.  There is plenty of harshness and unreason these days. There is always an over-supply of them. We all need to work on producing more gentle reasonableness. It’s the most gentle, and reasonable, thing we can do.

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