Posts Tagged: love

“For Sharon on Our Fifty-First Wedding Anniversary”

On August 4, 2024 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

“You’re more likely to be diligent about something if you love doing it. The etymology of diligent reflects the fact that affection can lead to energetic effort.” (https://www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day/diligent-2020-01-28, accessed 08-04-24)

Today, my bride and I celebrate fifty-one years of marriage. I do not love her as much as I did on August 4, 1973. I love her so much more. And as special as our fiftieth anniversary was, the fifty-first is even more so. In fact, every day is a wonderful day to celebrate this wonderful lady of mine.

However, I love words. They are so much easier for me to craft than actually being consistently present, kind and loving toward my sweetheart. So, I’ve decided that I am not going to merely give you some sweet words. I am going to give you some useful actions, actions based on diligence.

I just learned today that there is a likely connection between love and diligence. Apparently, the Latin-based word “diligence” was one of the Latin words that could be used for “loving”. This was a strange thought for me. I had always considered diligence as a synonym for “grinding it out,” for sticking with a difficult or unpleasant task. Diligence as a component of love? Oh my, that changes everything!

So, here is my anniversary present for my beloved Sharon: diligence. I will be diligent in being present for you and with you. I will be diligent in being grateful to and for you. I will be diligent in helping with the laundry and doing the dishes. I will be diligent in pulling weeds out of our garden and flower beds. I will be diligent in taking good care of our little (dog) girl Laylah. I will be diligent in allowing you to finish your sentences. I will be diligent in figuring out what forms of diligence are especially important to you.

This is the year for loving diligence and diligent love.

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“Love: The Only True Adventure”

On August 7, 2022 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

“Love God and love people like you love yourself.” (Jesus, my paraphrase)

“We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can’t think what anybody sees in them.” (J. R. R. Tolkien, The Hobbit, or There and Back Again) 

One of my 12-step readings for today is as follows:

“Sunday, August 7

We love because it’s the only true adventure.
  —Nikki Giovanni

In loving, we meet ourselves. As we have become more honest, we no longer make excuses about our relationship problems. We can’t blame our troubles on our partner. Our problems with love were often because we didn’t know how to be close or we didn’t dare to be.

When we let ourselves engage in this adventure, we meet many obstacles – things we can’t control, and sometimes we want to quit right there. We have arguments and disappointments as well as good feelings. But what adventure is without difficulty or surprises? Part of the reason for choosing new experiences is to confront forces outside our control. A relationship is a dialogue. Only if we stay with it through the frustrations, express our deepest feelings openly, and listen to our partner, do we achieve a new level of understanding and confidence in the relationship. Then deeper levels also open within ourselves.”

Today, I will let honesty guide me in this adventure of my love dialogue.” (From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.)

In the above reading, I was especially struck by the sentence “But what adventure is without difficulty or surprises?” The fact that I was struck by the sentence should not be construed to mean that I liked the sentence or the truth that it expresses. The truth is that I like easy and predictable. On the other hand, is easy-and-predictable really The Truth?

My wife likes Hallmark love stories. (I do too, but don’t tell my wife. Hopefully she won’t read this post.) Have you noticed that they generally end with the wedding? That is an excellent idea. Why? Because the difficulties and surprises begin after the wedding. It is difficult—verging on the impossible—to wrap a marriage up in a neat package and put a pretty bow on it. Having a beautiful wedding and a beautiful marriage are two very different things.

And, of course, most of every adventure consists of boring, demanding slogs through dismal country. Almost no one tells you that. However, that also is part of the adventure.

My affirmation for today is as follows: “Today, by God’s grace, I am daring to love myself, God, other people, and all creation.” It takes some daring. Even Hallmark shows have some difficulty and surprises as part of their script.

I hope that you have an adventuresome and loving day!

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“Fear as Love, Fear as Hate”

On March 20, 2021 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

Fear can be part of love. Fear can also be a form of hate.

I am afraid to displease my wife. That is part of my love for her.

The Bible has a great deal to say about fearing God and respecting others. It also has a great deal to say about loving God and others. In both the Old and New Testaments, a proper fear (or reverence or respect) for God and others is a major theme. So is love. Apparently love and fear—or, at least, a certain type of fear—are not sworn enemies.

On the other hand, according to Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.” (English Standard Version) Apparently, there is a kind of fear that is not a good thing. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that there is a kind of fear that shades off into hate.

This thought occurred to me today as I was struggling with why I hate new things so much. Of course, I could blame this tendency in me on old age. Why not? Old age ought to be good for something! Why not use it as a scapegoat—especially when you’re an old goat like me!

But here is my problem: Ever since I can remember anything (which is since I was about three years old), I’ve hated new things. When I go to a Mexican restaurant, I order the chimichangas. My wife asks, “Why don’t you order something different?” My usual response is, “Because I know I like the chimichangas. If I ordered something else, I’m afraid that I might not like it.”

Fear.

I don’t like listening to new songs or reading new books or new genres of books. Why? I’m afraid that I might not like them.

Fear.

I don’t like trying to learn new games generally. Why? By now, you know the answer.

Fear!

But in a sense, all this fear is a form of hate. Hate is often just fear that has hardened into a snarling, vicious dog. So, what if my fears cause me to hate new stuff, new attitudes, even (God help me!) new people.

God says, of the new heaven and the new earth, “Behold, I make all things new.” I’m not so sure that I will like new things.

But maybe hell is a place where everything stays the same. And I’m not so sure that I would like that, either.

I would hate to miss out on the new heaven and earth, just because I’m afraid of new things.

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“We are All in this Together—and We are All Alone”

On August 8, 2020 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

One of my 12-step readings this morning started with the following epigraph:

“Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.

  —Rainer Maria Rilke”

Love is the only thing that is strong enough to embrace both our solitude and togetherness.

We are hearing variations of the slogan “We are all in this together” a lot these days. We are hearing it far more than we are living it out. Careful, elderly people like me are prone to judge those who don’t wear masks. Those who don’t wear masks are apt to do the same toward those who do. There are moments when I wish someone would speak (or shout) the truth:

WE ARE NOT IN THIS TOGETHER!

But there is something that combines our essential solitude and our equally essential togetherness. And that thing is love.

Love is not to be reserved for those who are like us. In fact, if I reserve love for only those who are “like me,” I will love no one at all. Nobody is really all that much like me. My wife and I are so different and disagree about so many things. If love were about likeness, we would hate one another. We are indeed two solitudes.

And yet . . . And yet, we two solitudes protect and touch and greet one another. We love.

But love can draw wider circles. Love doesn’t have to be limited to one person. Oh, yes, I agree: There are special relationships that are exclusive in how they are lived out. My wife is very special to me, and I to her.

On the other hand, love—as distinct from its individual and unique expressions—can grow to be as big as the Pacific Ocean. My wife’s and my relationship is a quiet and sheltered bay where we can be safe, where we can be together in our solitudes. But we need to venture out into the wider, wilder waters on a regular basis. Otherwise, the bay may become a stinky, stagnant swamp.

So, we are all in this together after all. We just need to live out that togetherness in a creative way that respects our own solitude and the solitude of others.

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“QUIET LOVE”

On August 24, 2018 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

 

 

Zephaniah is a book that is full of God’s fury and judgment, first and foremost with his own people, Judah.  But other nations also come in for some pretty strong words.  Apparently, God doesn’t put up with a lot of crap from anybody!

However, toward the end of this very stormy book, the skies clear and bright sunshine breaks through.  3:17 is one of the most beautiful, haunting, and difficult to translate verses in the whole of the Bible.  Here is one attempt:

“The LORD your God is in your midst,

A victorious warrior.

He will exult over you with joy,

He will be quiet in His love,

He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.” (Zephaniah 3:17 New American Standard Bible, 1995)

While there are many intense debates as to precisely how this verse should be translated, there do seem to be certain key components.  In a very non-poetic bulleted list, these components might look like this:

  • God fights for us, in spite of all our messing up.
  • God rejoices over us greatly.
  • But God will also be quiet in his love—or perhaps, God will quiet us by his love.

In any case, there is both noisy joy and quiet love involved in God’s love for us.  I once heard someone say, “You know you’re really in love with someone when you can enjoy being quiet with them.”

Often, we think of God’s silence as being a problem.  But what if his silence is another expression of his love?  What if God loves us (me, you, the entire human race) so much that he is reduced to silence?

Or, on the other hand, what if we are sometimes so in love with God that we are reduced to silence in his presence?  Might that not be a sign of love?  Indeed, might silence be a form of love?

The monks at Gethsemani Abbey, a Trappist Monastery near Bardstown, Kentucky, have a sign that says, “SILENCE IS SPOKEN HERE.”  Yes!  Maybe we need to get over our fear of silence.  Maybe silence is one of the languages that divine love speaks.

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“FORTY-FIVE YEARS OF LEARNING TO LOVE”

On August 4, 2018 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

Today, my bride and I celebrate forty-five years of being married.  I am more in love with her than ever, more than I ever thought I could be.

I am still a beginner at this love business, but beginners can teach a lot.  So, here are some rather random thoughts about love and marriage from this beginner.

  • Love is not something you fall into.  It is a discipline to which you commit yourself, like running a marathon, but without a finish line.
  • When I am not acting or feeling lovingly toward my sweetheart, I need to change me, not her.
  • Heraclitus said, “You never step into the same river twice.”  He was right about more than rivers.  Relationships are the same.  I never wake up with the same women twice.  She has changed and so have I.  There is never a reason to get bored.
  • To restate Heraclitus, there is enough mystery and joy in every face to last a lifetime.
  • Marriages are not made in heaven.  Neither are they forged in the fires of hell.  They may be suggestive of either heaven or hell (or both), but they are built on earth.
  • Gratitude is the lifeblood of a loving relationship.  If I am not being grateful every day for this woman who has loved me all these years, I am in trouble and headed for more.
  • If I want my love to love only me, I am opting for less love, rather than more.  She loves our children and grandchildren, making lovely things, baking, flowers, serving others, our dog.  I should be glad, and most of the time I am!  The more she loves people and things other than me, the more she has love for me.
  • I also need to extend my love to others.  To limit my love to my love is to limit my love for my love.
  • Laughter is even better than making love.  Perhaps laughter is making love.
  • Sharing good memories together is wonderful.  So is sharing good forgetories.
  • The past needs to be buried quickly.  It needs to be given a decent burial, yes.  But it does need to be buried.
  • The more I love my God, the more I love my wife.  The converse is also true.

Happy anniversary, dearest.  I hope that we have many more.

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“My To-Do Lists and God’s Priorities”

On April 28, 2017 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

 Sometimes, I confuse my to-do list with what should be my priorities.

Take this morning, for example.  My affirmation to my sponsor (as well as to myself and God) was as follows:

“Today, by God’s grace, I will spread mulch, do some (hopefully) creative writing, and work at Bob Evans.  I will do these things because they are fun to do, because they need doing, because they may benefit other people, and because they will glorify God when they are done in the right way with the right attitude.” (Down to Earth Believer, affirmation sent to 12-step sponsor.”)

But then, I turned to a daily retreat sponsored by the Jesuits and Loyola Press, and read the following reflections on 1 Corinthians 13:13, which says “So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

“This scripture passage offers us a chance to reflect on our priorities. It tells us that, at the end of the day, it won’t be the school we graduated from, our annual income, or our zip code that matters. Rather, we will be judged by our fidelity to God, our hope in Christ and the power of his Resurrection, and the love that we show ourselves and our neighbor. It’s as simple as that.”  (Excerpt from the “3-Minute Retreat” for today, April 27, 2017, http://www.loyolapress.com/retreats/love-lasts-forever-start-retreat.)

This invited me to do a little probing of my to-do list.  Here is the question: Do my priorities match up with and reflect God’s priorities for all believers?  In other words, am I going to choose to spread mulch in a loving, hopeful, faith-filled way?

This is one of those questions that I can’t always answer, and don’t want to answer.  I don’t always like other people’s answers to my questions.  I often flat-out detest my own answers.

My answer will not come in the form of this post.  It will not come primarily in terms of my feelings or thoughts.  My answer will come as I put each shovelful of mulch in the wheel barrow and spread it around our flower beds.

Ultimately, only God can decide how lovingly, how hopefully, how faithfully I mulched the flower beds.  But I can at least live with the question.

Postscript: I wrote this blog yesterday, so that I could post it early this morning.  I got the mulching pretty well done.  I’m going to the chiropractor this morning.

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On Having Some New Letters after My Name

On October 27, 2016 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

I just received word this morning that my absolutely final revisions of the PhD thesis had passed muster.  I am approved for the PhD!

So, am I happy?  Yes!  Am I relieved?  Yes!

However, . . .

. . . several thoughts come to mind.

  1. Accomplishments, even major accomplishments, in one area of our life are no substitute for a life well-lived for Christ.
  2. Accomplishments, even major accomplishments, in one area of our life are no substitute for being a good dad (which I was not), or a good husband (which I am trying to become).
  3. Accomplishments are never individual triumphs.  So many people, especially my wife and my two PhD advisers—but also many others who told me I could do this when I did not believe it—played crucial parts in this degree.  And of course there is also God!
  4. Just because I now have a PhD does not mean that I know God or the Bible all that much better.  God and the Bible are too big for that, and a PhD is ultimately very small indeed.  Humility, love, faith, and obedience are the basic tools for understanding the Bible, God, or, most likely, anything else in the universe.
  5. Floors still need to be mopped, grass cut, and customers at the restaurants where I work still need to be waited upon.  Life has a wonderful way of keeping us humble, if we’re paying any attention at all.

DTEB, S.S. (Saved Sinner)

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