My wife and I saw the movie “Wonder” for her birthday.  I thought it was a very good movie!  Probably the highest praise I can give to a movie is, “It made me want to read the book.”  This movie made me want to read the book.

One of the intriguing techniques that the movie employs is that it tells the story from various people’s standpoints, but then, later in the movie, we are shown brief back stories for some of the supporting characters.  The effect of these back stories is to make us more understanding and compassionate toward those who make bad choices.  The back stories help us to see that people are complicated.  In short, these stories invite us to mistrust our perceptions of ourselves and others.

In real life, there are always multiple back stories.  We may be aware of our own back stories, but I doubt that we are very aware even of these.  We are most definitely not aware of the back stories of other people.

Sometimes, it may be necessary to ask a question in order to elicit a back story.

Years ago, I had a neighbor who was a very hateful older lady.  She didn’t seem capable of getting along with anyone.  In particular, she hated dogs and anyone who owned them.

One day, when she was fulminating about dog owners, I was her very reluctant non-conversational partner.  (She did not realize that we had just acquired a puppy, and I was too cowardly to tell her.)

When there was a brief pause, I mumbled something to the effect that I was sure she had reasons for hating dogs.

She looked at me fiercely, pointed to her face, and said, “You bet I do!  Do you see this scar on my cheek?”  She pointed to a very large scar that stretched from near her left eye to the left side of her chin.  “That is from a dog that bit me when I was seven years old!”

I still didn’t like the lady, but I was a bit more compassionate toward her after that.  Why?  Because I knew a bit of her back story.

Now, I don’t want to make excuses.  I suspect that most of us have had horrible things happen to us, and many of us have done horrible things to others.  At some point, we are responsible for our own attitudes and our own faces.  Perhaps, as George Orwell said, “At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.”  I knew another lady who had a very similar scar on her face.  She was one of the sweetest, kindest individuals I’ve ever known.  She was also one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known.

Her back story is that Minnie had never married.  She was caring for a sister with serious mental instability.  One time, when Minnie’s sister was going through a particularly nasty psychotic experience, she grabbed a butcher knife and slashed Minnie’s face, but Minnie went right on loving and caring for her sister.  Perhaps it is not so much our scars that disfigure us, as it is what we choose to do with those scars.

Back stories matter.  When we don’t (or can’t) know those back stories, it may even be helpful to make up back stories.

When someone tailgates me, I no longer slam on the brakes.  Instead, I make up a back story.  Perhaps the person has a sick child and is trying to get to school to pick up the child.  Perhaps the person just broke up with a significant other.

Of course, I don’t really know what is going on in the other person’s life.  But isn’t that the point?  I don’t know!  And if a fictional back story helps me to be more patient and compassionate, it is a good back story.