“R.E.S.P.C.T.  Find out what it means to me.”  (Aretha Franklin, lyrics from the song “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.”)

“Respect—not adoration—is what I would like to receive.”  (Overheard at a 12-step meeting)

“He felt like he was being disrespected.”  (A co-worker, explaining to me why two of the guys who work in the kitchen almost came to blows last night.)

“Simple respect!  I want nothing more, and I’ll accept nothing less.”  (Loretta Swit as Major Margaret Houlihan.  She was responding to Hawkeye’s question about what she expected from him.  Hawkeye pointed out that this might be a good thing to say to her mother-in-law, who was not treating Margaret with respect.)

Two guys who work in the kitchen at the restaurant where I work as a server nearly got into a fistfight last night.  Fortunately, an alert server (not me) told the manager before it came to that.  Apparently, one of the men felt like the other was disrespecting him.  Respect matters.

Both of the men were African American.  I think that respect is important to everyone.  However, it may be even more important to African Americans.  I don’t know that for sure, and it may just be another racist stereotype.  However, if it is true, I think that I may understand some of the underlying dynamics of it.  As a society, those of us who are in the majority have tended to treat minorities without respect (in other words, with positive disrespect).  When a commodity becomes rare for an individual or any group of people, people tend to value it greatly, and fights tend to break out more frequently over that commodity.  A dearth of respect breeds conflict.

Women also come to mind as people who, although not a minority, are often treated with radical disrespect.  When I was young, I worked at a factory.  One of the other young men who worked on the assembly line with me, was always talking about his ‘old lady.’  This did not sound very respectful to me.  Finally, one day, I had had enough, and said (rather disrespectfully, I acknowledge), “You’re always talking about your ‘old lady.’  Do you realize that makes you either an old man or a gigilo?”  I would like to tell you that I myself have always treated women with respect, but I like to tell the truth occasionally.

Be that as it may (or may not be), respect is important for all people.  Here is the problem.  We all want to be respected, but we are not quite so intent on being respectful.

However, I’ve known some people who seemed to have recognized the importance of being respectful.  My wife is generally a very respectful person.  It is one of many wonderful qualities that she possesses.  Strangely enough (or is it really so strange?), her respectfulness often frees me up to recognize when I am in the wrong.

One of my professors at Hebrew Union College, Dr. David Weisberg, was another person who was very respectful.  He genuinely liked and thought the best of his students, even when some were not altogether respectful of him or of his assignments.  (One that I know only too well was not always so respectable, but Dr. Weisberg gave me another chance.  He was prone to do that.)

So, what is respect anyway?  Aretha wanted someone to find out what it meant to her.  That points out something crucial: Respect does not necessarily mean the same thing to everyone.  However, I think that perhaps some broad statements might be helpful.  They can always be customized for individuals and particular situations.  Here is the state of my present thinking on the matter.  Feel free to e mail me or comment on this blog site with your own thoughts.

• Respect means thinking the best of people, as much as you can bring yourself to do so.  Some people have let you down.  No doubt.  But even those people could stand some good thoughts sent their way.  I’m not saying that you should marry them, or that you should cosign a loan with them.  But at least don’t think that their motivation or intent is always horrible.  After all, you might have made some mistakes along the way yourself.
• Respect means hoping the best for people.  You may not approve of the way they have lived their lives in the past, or how they are living their lives in the present.  However, I’ve known a few people who have made dramatic turnarounds.  My own self comes to mind.  My brother pretty much knew all about my wrong-doings.  I thanked him one time for keeping in touch and for not always throwing my failures in my face.  His thoughtful (but honest) reply was, “Well, I figure that just because a person has made a fool of himself, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the person has done a permanent job of it.”  Ironic side note: My brother wasn’t too sure there was even a God.  However, his words reflect a very godly attitude!
• Respect means that, no matter what someone has done or is doing to you, that person is still needing respect.  Sometimes we speak of “earning respect.”  I think that is an unhelpful way of speaking and thinking.  Respect, in my judgment, is emphatically not earned.  Respect is graciously given.  Hopefully, the person whom we respect is capable of receiving the respect we give.  If so, they may begin living a better, more respectable life.  But even if they don’t, we have shown respect for someone, and have really lost nothing.  Who knows?  Giving respect to others may even help us to have more self-respect.