Posts Tagged: not judging

“Not Our Business to Write People Out”

On June 5, 2021 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

“It is not our business to write people out of our story,” said a friend.

I had just said some kind words about my mother-in-law who died recently. I concluded with, “Even when I came clean about all the wrong I had done, my mother-in-law never wrote me out of the story.” And then my friend came up with this gem of a response: “It is not our business to write people out of our story.”

I believe that this is true. Being written out of someone’s story is very painful, but writing someone else out of our own story is pretty unwise, too.

Don’t get me wrong. There are times when an unrepentant person has done or is doing us great harm. At such times, we may indeed to distance ourselves for our own protection. Such self-protection is wise.

However, writing the person who has hurt us out of our story entirely is not entirely wise. In fact, it may not be possible. The person is part of our story. That profoundly uncomfortable fact can’t be changed.

Let me suggest three positive, healthy ways in which we might think about this matter of refusing to write someone off or out.

First, perhaps we might hold out a hope that the offending person is writing a new script for their life, a script that is better. I am not saying that we should actually believe that they are writing a better story by their thoughts, words, and actions. I am just saying that we should hold on to that hope. That hope may very well also hold us.

Second, perhaps we could write a different part for them in our own story. Maybe we could do a sketch which portrays them not as a villain, but as a very flawed (but potentially decent) person.

Third, those of us who are, or who aspire to be, Christ-followers, need to remember his words about not judging others. Writing people out or off is just another way of speaking of judging them.

One final thought: Maybe I need to choose not to write myself out of the story. And, frankly, I really struggle with that.

My wife and I are estranged from all four of our children. Or, at least, they are estranged from us. The fault is squarely mine. But I refuse to write myself out of the story. That doesn’t mean only that I refuse to take my own life. It means that, but it also means that I stay connected with my children, who are disconnected from me. I don’t contact them, at their request. But they cannot stop me from praying for them, or including them in my daily gratitude lists, or remembering the good times with them. And yes, there were good times, whether they remember them or not.

It is not my business to write myself out of the story either. Neither is it yours.

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“On Staying in Your Own Lane”

On February 26, 2020 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

(Matthew 7:1–5 The Holy Bible, English Standard Version

https://accordance.bible/link/read/ESVS#Matt._7:1)

“Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another any longer, but rather decide never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother. I know and am persuaded in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself, but it is unclean for anyone who thinks it unclean. For if your brother is grieved by what you eat, you are no longer walking in love. By what you eat, do not destroy the one for whom Christ died. So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. Whoever thus serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved by men. So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”

(Romans 14:13–19 The Holy Bible, English Standard Version

https://accordance.bible/link/read/ESVS#Rom._14:13)

At the 12-step meeting I attended at noon, someone proposed the top “staying in your own lane.”  This was highly ironic, because I had biked down to the meeting.  There was a nice, wide bike lane, but apparently it wasn’t quite wide enough to suit me.  I veered over to the left a little, just as an SUV was passing.  Almost getting out of my own lane nearly cost me my life.

Even when staying in my own lane is not a matter of life and death, it is still important.  When I am not attending to my own affairs, when I am meddling in things that do not pertain to me, I end up creating irritation in others.  Furthermore, when I am “working” (can it even be called “working”??) on other people’s issues, I am not working on my own.  That’s the main reason that I meddle and judge: to keep me from having to face my own issues.

The Scriptures with which I began this post—one from Jesus, and the other from the Apostle Paul—tell us that we’ve got no business judging others.  Judging others is one form that not staying in my lane takes.

I used to think of myself as not being very judgmental.  Then, I began to work on my own profound issues.  Suddenly I discovered that one of things I needed to work on first was being judgmental.  I was using the real and perceived failings and struggles of others as a drug to medicate my own unwillingness to change the one person I could change: me!

I’ve decided that I will need to remind myself many times each day to stay in my own lane.  The acronym SIYOL! is going to be one of my slogans from here on out: Stay in your own lane!

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