Posts Tagged: respect

“The Word of the Year: Respect”

As many of you know, I have for several years been taking a word or short phrase as my mantra for the year. This year’s word is “respect”.

Actually, I checked to see how many times in the past I had written about respect in one way or another on this website. My search turned up 36 times that I had used the word “respect” as one of my tags. Apparently, respect is important to me. I suspect that I am not alone in this respect.

Respect has a lot of different aspects. Here is a short list:

  • Respect for God.
  • Respect for other people.
  • Respect for myself.
  • Respect for time—my own time and that of others.
  • Respect for all sentient beings.
  • Respect for immaterial things, including the planet.

We sometimes speak of “simple respect”. Perhaps respect is fairly simple to understand. Consistently speaking and acting in a respectful manner is not so simple, however. But, as with many things, respect is a muscle. It can atrophy, but it can also be toned up with use. I plan to work on this muscle in the year 2023.

So, expect some more posts (not all, thankfully) about respect in the year 2023. The post for tomorrow will deal with one of the words that the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament uses for honor or respect. For now, I leave you with the following quote from Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

“I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man’s self-respect is a sin.”

“On Struggling to be Respectful”

Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.” (1 Peter 2:17)

In going back over my blog posts, I notice that I write a lot about respect, a.k.a. “honor”.  There are many reasons for this.  For one thing, we live in a very disrespectful society these days, and I’m trying to swim up current .  For another thing, I think that respect or honor is very important.  But I will tell you the main reason why I write so much about respect and honor: I struggle with it—a lot.

I suppose that I struggle with it in many ways and with many people.  Struggles are like icebergs: Most of them are submerged and hidden.  You only see how big they are when you hit them.

However, while I’m not sure of the depth of my disrespect problem, I can tell you that there are several politicians that I know I have a really difficult time honoring.  There is one other person (not a politician) whom I struggle to respect.

At this point, I can almost hear you recite, dear reader, the common maxim, “Respect is not given.  It has to be earned.”  However, I believe, as a would-be Christ-follower, I am called to honor/respect everyone, as 1 Peter 2:17 says.  But, unfortunately, I act as if I believed the common maxim, rather than believing 1 Peter 2:17.  So, what do I really believe, if I don’t act on the basis of what I think God’s will is for me?

I would love to wiggle out of the “all” in 1 Peter 2:17, but I suspect that, by using the Greek word pan (“all”), Peter really meant all.  It is tempting to try to do an end run around the command to honor all men, by saying that this actually means “all kinds of people.”  However, does this really take me off the hook?  I don’t think so.  After all, all kinds of people would, I think, include all people.  Yes?

I mentioned earlier in this post that there is one other person who is not a politician whom I struggle to respect.  The problem with not respecting or honoring this person is that I am very close to this person.  Very close.  In fact, I am that person.  I never quite come up to my lofty expectations.  In fact, sometimes I don’t even come close.  So, self-respect is an ongoing battle.

And yet, I suspect that the word “all” even embraces me.

But I hear someone protest, “But isn’t there some validity in the idea that respect should be earned?”  Perhaps, but I doubt it.

However, there is another idea that sounds roughly similar, although I think there is a huge chasm that separates the true from the false.  The truth, at least as I see, it this: Those who are given respect whether they’ve earned it or not, need to live in such a way as to live worthily of the gift of respect.  I also suspect that those who are given this gift are also better positioned to live a worthy life.

My wife is giving me some cooking lessons.  (Please pray for her—and for me!)  In many arenas of life, the order of two things doesn’t matter.  I don’t know much about cooking yet, but I am learning.  One of the things I’ve learned is that, in some cases, the order in which ingredients are put into a concoction matters profoundly.  If I, or anyone, puts the ingredients into whatever we’re making in the wrong order, things do not go well.  Either the ingredients do not mix well, or they do not cook properly.

Of course, in the case of cooking, a ruined dish isn’t the end of the world.  It may, in fact, be a valuable lesson.  However, if a surgeon begins cutting on his patient before she has created a sterile field, things may not end well for the patient—or for the surgeon.

In the case of respect-as-a-gift and respect-as-a-challenge-to-live-worthily, I think the order matters supremely, as it does with a surgeon.  It is the people who have given me the gift of respect, who have also invited to live worthily.  I may or may not respond positively to the invitation, but it is important that I have received the invitation.  Furthermore, when I am given the gift of respect I often also find the motivation to live a worthwhile live.  I suspect that this is generally true.

Consider yourself, myself, and all selves as having been invited to this respect party!

R.S.V.P.

DTEB, “Self-Respect”

Years ago, my long-term sponsor encouraged me to do and live out daily affirmations.  It has been, quite literally, a life-changing experience.  Here is my 12-step report to my sponsors for today, and my tentative report for tomorrow:

Dear _________ and _____________,

No violations.

Yesterday’s affirmation: “Today, by God’s grace, I am respecting myself, God, others, all living creatures, and even inanimate objects.  The word (and song) for today is “R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Here is how I think I did with yesterday’s affirmation: I was respectful to myself, God, and others today, for the most part.  One thing that I can certainly improve on is thinking (and consequently, speaking) of myself in a more respectful way.  My wife pointed out to me yesterday (for the how-many-th time??) that she doesn’t like it when I speak of myself in a put-down-ish manner.

Today’s affirmation: Today, by God’s grace, I am carefully monitoring my thinking and speaking to and about myself.  I am thinking positive thoughts about myself, and I am speaking about myself as little as possible.  But if I do say something about myself, it is kind.

I have begun the practice of writing my report for the next day, right after I send the report for the present day.  This enables me to think about and plan for the outcomes of my affirmation.  I can always revise the draft the next morning, based on what really happened.  So, here is my tentative report for tomorrow:

“Here is how I did:

  • I did monitor my thinking and actions, based on this affirmation.  I committed the affirmation to memory, and frequently repeated it (out loud when I was alone, and mentally when I was with other people).
  • When I was inclined to say something negative about myself, I did the Bob Newhart thing, and said, “Stop it!”
  • I made the decision to listen more to others, and to talk less about myself.  It was great fun!  (And I learned a lot more about others, and gave them the invitation to feel respected by my genuine interest in them.)
  • I thanked God in my daily gratitude list for 10 good things about myself.”

Here is one thing that I did not include in the rough draft of my report to my sponsors.  I will add it.

  • At church, I went to the altar, prayed, and emptied myself of everything.  I feel light enough today to float away.  I know that a breakthrough has to be fleshed out with lots of follow-throughs, and I am determined that, by God’s grace, I will do precisely that.  I will empty myself of my past, my regrets, my sins (real and imagined), and myself, as often as I need to do so.  Then, I will pray that God will continually fill me with his Holy Spirit and with all goodness.

“R.E.S.P.E.C.T.”

R.E.S.P.C.T.  Find out what it means to me.”  (Aretha Franklin, lyrics from the song “R.E.S.P.E.C.T.”)

Respect—not adoration—is what I would like to receive.”  (Overheard at a 12-step meeting)

He felt like he was being disrespected.”  (A co-worker, explaining to me why two of the guys who work in the kitchen almost came to blows last night.)

Simple respect!  I want nothing more, and I’ll accept nothing less.”  (Loretta Swit as Major Margaret Houlihan.  She was responding to Hawkeye’s question about what she expected from him.  Hawkeye pointed out that this might be a good thing to say to her mother-in-law, who was not treating Margaret with respect.)

Two guys who work in the kitchen at the restaurant where I work as a server nearly got into a fistfight last night.  Fortunately, an alert server (not me) told the manager before it came to that.  Apparently, one of the men felt like the other was disrespecting him.  Respect matters.

Both of the men were African American.  I think that respect is important to everyone.  However, it may be even more important to African Americans.  I don’t know that for sure, and it may just be another racist stereotype.  However, if it is true, I think that I may understand some of the underlying dynamics of it.  As a society, those of us who are in the majority have tended to treat minorities without respect (in other words, with positive disrespect).  When a commodity becomes rare for an individual or any group of people, people tend to value it greatly, and fights tend to break out more frequently over that commodity.  A dearth of respect breeds conflict.

Women also come to mind as people who, although not a minority, are often treated with radical disrespect.  When I was young, I worked at a factory.  One of the other young men who worked on the assembly line with me, was always talking about his ‘old lady.’  This did not sound very respectful to me.  Finally, one day, I had had enough, and said (rather disrespectfully, I acknowledge), “You’re always talking about your ‘old lady.’  Do you realize that makes you either an old man or a gigilo?”  I would like to tell you that I myself have always treated women with respect, but I like to tell the truth occasionally.

Be that as it may (or may not be), respect is important for all people.  Here is the problem.  We all want to be respected, but we are not quite so intent on being respectful.

However, I’ve known some people who seemed to have recognized the importance of being respectful.  My wife is generally a very respectful person.  It is one of many wonderful qualities that she possesses.  Strangely enough (or is it really so strange?), her respectfulness often frees me up to recognize when I am in the wrong.

One of my professors at Hebrew Union College, Dr. David Weisberg, was another person who was very respectful.  He genuinely liked and thought the best of his students, even when some were not altogether respectful of him or of his assignments.  (One that I know only too well was not always so respectable, but Dr. Weisberg gave me another chance.  He was prone to do that.)

So, what is respect anyway?  Aretha wanted someone to find out what it meant to her.  That points out something crucial: Respect does not necessarily mean the same thing to everyone.  However, I think that perhaps some broad statements might be helpful.  They can always be customized for individuals and particular situations.  Here is the state of my present thinking on the matter.  Feel free to e mail me or comment on this blog site with your own thoughts.

  • Respect means thinking the best of people, as much as you can bring yourself to do so.  Some people have let you down.  No doubt.  But even those people could stand some good thoughts sent their way.  I’m not saying that you should marry them, or that you should cosign a loan with them.  But at least don’t think that their motivation or intent is always horrible.  After all, you might have made some mistakes along the way yourself.
  • Respect means hoping the best for people.  You may not approve of the way they have lived their lives in the past, or how they are living their lives in the present.  However, I’ve known a few people who have made dramatic turnarounds.  My own self comes to mind.  My brother pretty much knew all about my wrong-doings.  I thanked him one time for keeping in touch and for not always throwing my failures in my face.  His thoughtful (but honest) reply was, “Well, I figure that just because a person has made a fool of himself, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the person has done a permanent job of it.”  Ironic side note: My brother wasn’t too sure there was even a God.  However, his words reflect a very godly attitude!
  • Respect means that, no matter what someone has done or is doing to you, that person is still needing respect.  Sometimes we speak of “earning respect.”  I think that is an unhelpful way of speaking and thinking.  Respect, in my judgment, is emphatically not earned.  Respect is graciously given.  Hopefully, the person whom we respect is capable of receiving the respect we give.  If so, they may begin living a better, more respectable life.  But even if they don’t, we have shown respect for someone, and have really lost nothing.  Who knows?  Giving respect to others may even help us to have more self-respect.
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