Posts Tagged: self-pity

“THE KINDNESS OF CHECKING ON PEOPLE”

On February 22, 2020 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

“But the fruit of the Spirit is . . . kindness . . . .” (Galatians 5:22)

One really nice form of kindness is checking on people.

A good friend, who is also a faithful reader of these blog posts, had his wife send a text to my wife to ask if I was okay.  I hadn’t done a blog for a couple of weeks, and he was worried about me.

The truth is that I am both alright and not alright.  To some extent, my web silence has been because I’m enjoying the beautiful city of Tampa, Florida.  Also, while it is a lovely city, it seems to take at least 30 minutes to get anywhere, so we’ve doing lots of driving.  (The only exception is my twelve-step meeting which is only an eleven-minute bike ride away from where we are staying.  Sweet!)

Also, I have been working on a scholarly paper, which I am presenting at a conference in a little less than a month.  And then, there is going for long walks/runs with the dog.  And, of course, when you stay in any place for more than a few days, there are dishes to do, and clothes to wash.  Even in paradise, the trash needs taken out a couple of times a week.

But it was good for my friend to check on me.  For one thing, it reminded me to get off my lazy butt—or rather, to get on my diligent butt—and write a blog.  The laziness has an explanation, but no excuse.  The explanation is, at least in part, that I am mourning the closing of the university where I taught as an adjunct for over eleven years.  The truth is that I am also feeling rather sorry for myself.  Mourning is okay; self-pity, not so much.

Sometimes, though, a friend just checking on you helps to blow up your excuses and your laziness and your writer’s block.  Kindness is quiet dynamite.

My challenge today is two-fold: to be grateful for the quiet dynamite that others place under me, and to place some kindness under others.  Maybe this blog post will do that for you.  You have to light the match, though!

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“ON NOT WANTING TO KEEP STRICT RECORDS”

On November 24, 2018 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

I hate math!  I don’t like numbers.  I never have.  But sometimes, it is a good idea to make your hatred work for you.

So, true confession time: I have a runaway mind.  I tend to think inappropriate thoughts—lust, self-pity, judgmental thoughts, worry, regrets, you name it.  And once I start down that rabbit hole, I am like Alice.  I keep falling.

So, I’ve tried an experiment today.  I am trying to keep a strict record of all my inappropriate thoughts.  I haven’t had a lot of them.

Why?  I think because I hate quantification so much.  You might say that I have a case of “quantiphobia.”  (I thought that I was the first to identify this sort of irrational fear.  However, my illusion of creativity was punctured almost immediately by googling “the fear of numbers.”  Numerophobia and arithmophobia are fairly common.  Oh well!)

So, here is how I’ve been handling inappropriate thoughts today.  I have been trying to quantify them.  Trying to keep a strict account of my unhealthy thoughts is so intimidating that it is easier simply not to have them.

In a sense, this might be a variation on the tenth step of twelve-step groups: “Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”  Sometimes, just being aware of my tendency to go wrong is a helpful thing.  Admissions of truth to oneself are never easy.  It is much easier to inflict truth on other people.

Furthermore, I have such an easily distracted mind, and such a contrarian mind, that trying to focus on any unhealthy thoughts for more than a second or two leaves me desiring to distract myself with healthy thoughts.  And I am so contrary that if I decide to concentrate on unhealthy thoughts, my mind is prone to rebel, and go to healthy thoughts.  (The same is true for me concerning healthy thoughts.  If I set out to think only healthy thoughts, I know it’s going to be a long and frustrating day.)

Now, I realize that this is exceedingly strange.  I don’t think that this approach would work for most people.  I don’t know if it will work for me over the long haul.  However, I’m going to try to make it a habitual discipline, and see if it will work.  One thing is for sure: It has helped me today!

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“SELF-COMPASSION, OR SELF-PITY?”

On May 8, 2018 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

A dear friend and I were talking about the need to be kind, even (especially?) to ourselves.  However, we decided—or, perhaps, he decided and I agreed—that it was crucial to distinguish between self-pity and self-compassion.

Self-pity is ugly and unhealthy.  Self-compassion is lovely and legitimate.  In a sense, self-pity is counterfeit compassion.

But how do you tell the difference?  Counterfeits are not easily identified.  They are not designed to be.  I’ve noticed that it is much easier to catch counterfeit “self-compassion” when someone else is trying to pass a bogus bill.  Not so easy when I’m doing it.

However, . . .

However, I think I can propose some helpful ways of distinguishing these two look-alikes.  At least, these are helpful when I actually practice them.

One way of distinguishing between self-compassion and self-pity is that self-compassion helps me to be more compassionate toward others.  Self-pity means that I am collapsing on myself.

Another way of telling the difference is that self-compassion is usually accomplished in a moment, whereas self-pity tends to settle in for a longer stay.  If I try to hang on to a hurt, it is a sure sign of self-pity.

Finally, self-compassion tends to energize me, while self-pity saps my strength and will.  A question that I always need to ask myself is this: Is this feeling feeding my energy for accomplishing good things?  If not, I need to give it the old heave-ho!

What do you think, dear readers?  Are there other ways that you have discovered to distinguish these two?  They may look alike, but their DNA is not the same.  Neither are their effects the same.

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“JUST MESSENGERS—BUT WHAT A MESSAGE (AND WHAT A SENDER!)”

On March 16, 2018 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

My wife had me read out loud John 13 this morning.  (Her women’s Bible study group is working their way through John’s Gospel.)  She had me go back and reread vss. 12-17.

 

“12 After washing their feet, he put on his robe again and sat down and asked, “Do you understand what I was doing?

13 You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and you are right, because that’s what I am.

14 And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet.

15 I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.

16 I tell you the truth, slaves are not greater than their master. Nor is the messenger more important than the one who sends the message.

17 Now that you know these things, God will bless you for doing them.” (New Living Translation)

 

My wife and I are older than we’ve ever been up to this point.  We often wonder about our significance these days.  Sometimes we take turns doing this.  At such times, the person who isn’t struggling can comfort the other one.  At other times, we are both in the same feelin’-like-we’re-washed-up funk at the same time.  At those times we are in real trouble.

What does this have to do with John 13?  A lot!

John 13:12-17 comes right after John 13:1-11.  Amazing how that works, isn’t it?  So, what was going on in John 13:1-11?

Jesus was busy knowing what was about to take place, but also knowing where he came from and where he was heading for.  So, what did he do with this knowledge?  He washed his disciples’ feet.

That doesn’t sound very dramatic, does it?  It isn’t.  It was a just a nasty task that needed to be done.

It was also a nastily necessary lesson for his disciples.  He wanted them to do the same kinds of things for others, beginning with their fellow disciples.

In the ancient world, it was the old, broken-down servants who were charged with washing guests’ feet before a meal.  I imagine that was because, even these servants could wash feet.  Perhaps these servants were already bent over.  Why not have them bend a little further, and wash some feet?  After all, you can at least scoot around and wash feet when you’re already close to the floor.

Being a used-to-be pastor is not easy.  It is easy to remember how honored you were when you were a pastor.  Resentment and self-pity are continual pitfalls.  (Of course, remembering how honored you were to be God’s messenger involves choosing to forget all the times you were anything but honored.)  My wife mentioned this lack of a sense of being honored, and said, “But the message, and the One who sent us with the message are the main thing, aren’t they?”

I just hate it when my sweetheart hits this close to the truth!

Anybody need their feet washed?

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DTEB, “EMPTYING MYSELF FOR CHRISTMAS”

On December 23, 2017 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

“O come to my heart, Lord Jesus,  There is room in my heart for Thee.”  (“Thou Didst Leave Thy Throne”)

“Let every heart prepare him room.”  (“Joy to the World”)

My heart is full this Christmas, but not necessarily full of good things.  I am full of regrets about my past.  Particularly, I regret how I treated (and did not treat) my family.  I have been selfish and controlling and sometimes even cruel.  Sometimes, I wonder if I have the regrets or if they have me.

And then there is anger toward those I feel have hurt me.  Strangely enough, these are often the same people that I have treated very badly.  Amazing how that works out, isn’t it!  And, of course, anger easily becomes resentment and self-pity.

And then, there are fears for the future.  I am old and my body is beginning to break down.  My mind is not quite as quick as it never was to begin with.    I worry.  I worry about my wife’s health.  I worry if I can be useful to God any more.  I worry about worrying.

So, I was out driving on this cold, rainy day, when I heard the hymn “Joy to the World.”  One phrase says, “Let every heart prepare him room.”

So, I emptied my heart out of all its regrets, all its anger, all its self-pity, all its worries.  I set out all this crap at the curb of my life, and said to Jesus, “Okay, Lord, there is room for you now!  Come on in!”

Guess what?  He did!

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“PITY RATHER THAN DESTRUCTION”

On October 13, 2017 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

 “Should not, then, this robber, or this adulterer, be destroyed? By no means, but take it rather this way: This man who errs and is deceived concerning things of greatest moment, who is blinded, not in the vision which distinguisheth black and white, but in the judgment which distinguisheth Good and Evil—should we not destroy him? And thus speaking, you shall know how inhuman is that which you say, and how like as if you said, Shall we not destroy this blind man, this deaf man? For if it is the greatest injury to be deprived of the greatest things, and the greatest thing in every man is a Will such as he ought to have, and one be deprived of this, why are you still indignant with him? Man, you should not be moved contrary to Nature by the evil deeds of other men. Pity him rather, be not inclined to offense and hatred, abandon the phrases of the multitude, like “these cursed wretches.” How have you suddenly become so wise and hard to please?”  (Epictetus)

“Frodo: ‘It’s a pity Bilbo didn’t kill Gollum when he had the chance.’

Gandalf: ‘Pity? It’s a pity that stayed Bilbo’s hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play in it, for good or evil, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many—yours not least.’”  (J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring.)

This morning, I was thinking about someone for whom I have great contempt.  It isn’t important who.  Fill in the blank, if you like.

Then, I turned “at random” to the above quote from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus.  (Was it truly “at random”?  I doubt it.)

Pity!  Evil deeds show that someone is blind in very significant ways.  The old expression “more to be pitied than censored” comes to mind.

The word “pity” may be related to the word “piety.”  Both words get a bad press these days.  Perhaps they deserve it.  Think, for example, of the exclamation, “I don’t want your pity!”

Then again, maybe both pity and piety need to be brought back from exile.  Perhaps the foundation of human society is pity, which is in turn a crucial aspect of piety.

Perhaps we could begin with our own evil, our own blindness.  Perhaps we could have a little pity toward our own manifest and manifold stupidities.

Admittedly, self-pity can be a really bad thing.  No question about that!  I have often gotten enmeshed in self-pity.  Easy to get into.  Very nearly impossible to get out of!

However, even good things can be abused.  Perhaps it is possible that exercising pity toward myself is appropriate if it is a balanced and appropriate pity.

As a friend of mine said many years ago (when he thought I was being too hard on myself), “You need to get off your own back!”

Perhaps if I got off my own back, I would have the courage to have pity on others as well.

 

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“CIRCUMSTANCES AND DOING STUPID STUFF”

On January 24, 2017 by Dteb With 0 Comments - down to earth believer

 I use my circumstances as excuses (even I know they aren’t reasons!) for doing stupid, evil stuff.  I didn’t sleep well (or enough), It’s cold and grey.  It’s rainy.  My wife is gone for several days, and I miss her.  My kids won’t speak to me.  I have to wait tables.  I can’t find a better teaching position.  I’m an addict.  On and on and on . . . .  Ad infinitum ad nauseam.

But here is the truth: I do stupid, evil stuff because I choose to do so.

And here is an even deeper truth: I can choose not to do stupid evil stuff.  Instead, I can choose to do something loving for someone else.  I can choose to praise God.  I can choose to do the next right thing.

Circumstances are not excuses for anything.  Circumstances are  . . ., well let’s face the truth: Circumstances are circumstances!

Profound, isn’t it?

Well, maybe it is profound in a rather obvious way.  Simple truths are the ones I most often trip over.  They could be stepping stones, if I would remember to walk in the light of God.  Instead I go stumbling around in the darkness of my own self-pity.

And that is the problem for me—self-pity, not circumstances.  I feel sorry for myself.  No amount of grey, rainy days can make me make bad decisions.  Not sleeping well can make me sleepy, but not automatically grumpy.

Years ago I read the following: “No matter of ocean can sink a ship unless it gets inside.”  I need to get out of the import business, when it comes to circumstances.

What would happen if I acted as if I believe what I’ve written here?

I think I’ll make some good choices and find out!

 

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