“Making Up Generous Stories”
“Now, don’t tell me stories!” That is what my mom used to say to me when I was little. What she meant to say was, don’t lie to me, I think. However, I do tell stories. Hopefully, they are not lies. For example, here is an email exchange between my sponsor and me concerning a scholarly conference that left me off the schedule inadvertently.
I had talked with my twelve-step sponsor about my anger and hurt and disappointment yesterday. Today, he wrote in his email, “I hope there is a satisfactory outcome with your presentation.”
My reply was as follows:
“Dear ________,
So far, I like what is coming out of me. This is the most important part of the “outcome”. I am owning my feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment, without letting myself become a scholarly jerk.
However, no reply yet from the person who was heading up our study group. I suspect that she dropped the ball, since nobody from the study group is presenting at the conference.
However, in these kinds of situations, I try to remember to make up somewhat plausible stories that help me to be more kind to other people. What if the head of our study group is dead from COVID (or any number of other causes)? What if she just lost a close relative, or had an emotional breakdown? What if she is tremendously busy (like me), and simply took on more than she should have? What if she is like me and has A.D.D.?
Whether or not any of these stories is true, or even close to the truth, they help me to take a more generous approach to conflictual situations when emotions run high. Just as importantly, these stories that I make up keep me from saying and doing things that I might regret.
I don’t take this attitude all the time, but I find it a helpful path when I travel it. And the path is the thing, not the destination.
Daryl”
In my better moments, I actually believe and act on what I just wrote to my sponsor. I have a lot of “better moments” these days. And that beats bitter moments, hands down!
So, as much as I love my mom, I would encourage you to go ahead and tell some stories. They may help you. Also, they may be truer than you think.
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