“Being Forgiven, Feeling Forgiven, and Other Considerations”
I have not always lived my life well. In fact, I have done things that have greatly harmed others and myself. These harms are in the distant past now, but they often feel horribly contemporary to me. No doubt, they also feel horribly contemporary to others as well. My children in particular are deeply hurt by my past behavior, even when it did not directly impact them. They will quite likely never forgive.
Over coffee, I was talking about my doubts about my forgivable-ness to a friend of mine this morning. We love one another enough to speak truth into one another. Of course, truth initially hurts, as all truly good things do. My friend said, “I think your children will never forgive you. That may be part of why you don’t believe that God can forgive you.” I didn’t want to hear that, but I know my friend is right.
But then, my friend added two more wisdoms.
“It may be that the consequences of your children’s lack of forgiveness and their rejection of you help you to avoid going back to your old behavior.”
The second wisdom that my friend gave me was this: “There is forgiveness and then there is the feeling of being forgiven. You may not feel forgiven until Heaven.”
And here is my takeaway from a profoundly uncomfortable and healing conversation: If my children’s rejection and my feeling of being unforgiven helps me to avoid lapsing back into old patterns, I am well-contented with such rejection and such feelings. The price of integrity is high, but integrity—at any price—is a bargain. Or, better yet, integrity is a great investment.
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